I couldn't face the possibilities of her disappointment in me. As it turns out, I never did find the courage to tell her.It all goes back to the question of maintaining "face". After having been so universally disregarded and despised, and then having had things somewhat better when I'd reached adulthood, maintaining people's regard for me became all-important. I couldn't face the possibility of going back to that place where everyone thought I was kind of strange.It took me a long time to get over that. Long time? Yeah. I came out to a few people, privately, in the late 1980's. In the early 90's I got involved with a gender program in Milwaukee, went through all the sessions and groups and testing, and finally had a firm diagnosis (which, of course, only confirmed what I'd known all along).I was married at the time, something that in hindsight was a mistake. I was in love with her and she with me, but we both had issues, and in the late 90's things fell apart. Yes, she knew about my. I think about your manhood filling me, Expanding me and drilling through my core, Until I feel a rush of ecstasy And then the peace that comes after it all. I'd better think on other lines or else My knees won't hold me when I try to stand. On Wednesday there was this:. To My Great Temptation, from One Who Would Like to Yield I want to feel you in me all the way, To be filled with a carnal overload, To have you stretch me till my senses sway, Then find the pleasure still has more to swell, To feel your manhood bulge and then explode And flood me with a sweet and pungent rain. I want to -- but I don't want to as well. The fear and hesitation give me pain. Far more, I'm sure, than I'll know at your hands When passion conquers cowardice at last And urges me to let you sweep on past That inconvenient.
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