I no longer had aggressive feelings. I think that I beganto understand why those in Christ's own time who would castratethemselves before facing God, could believe that this was a better stateto be in at that moment. It felt like a state not driven by basedesires - for copulation and domination. It was peaceful and pure. ButI still desired Dwight.While I told my congregation nothing of what I had done, I did tell themthat I believed that I was entering a higher state, and becoming closerto God. That is how I felt.But the drug also made me feel womanly. There is no better word for it.I felt in need of somebody to satisfy new urges in me. I felt in needof somebody to keep me and protect me. I felt that I needed a manbeside me. That is when my thoughts returned to the conference. Istarted to wonder if I could be a woman, as some men have become throughthe miracles of science. Dwight's woman.Now, I should explain that I had never had any transgender impulses atall. I was a. Wesley chuckled in mirth at the reminiscence as he once again reached out to touch a visual image that had no physical manifestation.Here, again, Wesley was surprised as there was a tangible presence. Not exactly shape or texture, but temperature. As he passed a hand through a red presence, he was aware that it was warmer than when he touched a blue presence. Not only was there temperature, but Wesley could smell the hot dryness of the red, the wetness of the blue, the freshness of the green. So intense was his fascination with this new phenomenon that he momentarily forgot the bizarre nature of the experience. He wrapped his hands lightly around a green presence and noted that the color did nothing to illuminate his own body, but the color itself seemed to vibrate and Wesley’s ears picked up a childlike giggle. As he held the color in his hands, it brightened perceptibly to a joyful yellow. This color he released and it danced in among its fellows.No wonder he had so much difficulty.
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