"How do I free myself of it?" I cried, desperate to reach the silver orbabove me.Yes, how DO I free myself of my masculinity?"Why," said Abi. "You gift it to someone else, of course!"*"Was that all a dream?" Meghan asked me, of my encounter in the OtherPlace."Yes, sort of. It's complex."We sat crossed-legged on the bed in my room, almost touching, a yellowlight from the window bathing the space. It was comfortable. I could hearthe dull noises of mom moving about below. She was baking. She did a lotof baking these days."I don't understand all these references to the Kabbalah," said Meghan."Neither do I," I said. "But I don't need to. They are like desktop iconson a computer; shortcuts to applications. This is how magic works." So, you're a magician?" Magician, shaman. Yeah, I guess so."I paused. I was trying to find the words to explain how this all worked.I began with something simple."Do you know why people don't know about real magic?" No, go on." Well, you've seen yourself how. When he says all this, she starts crying. Not boohooingbut tearing up. Then he gets down on one knee and begs her to be hiswife. She says yes, and he stands up. They very gently take each other'shands and slowly get closer and closer. Then he kisses her, not like oneof those raunchy, eating-one-another-up kisses like you see all thetime. This was like he was almost worshipping her. I had never seenanything so gentle so loving or so tender in my whole life.I watched her enjoy it. She seemed all at once happy and complete andfulfilled. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to feel justlike that. And in that moment for as long as the scene lasted I imaginedmyself being her and being loved and held and kissed by someone whothought that I was as beautiful and adorable as she was.Turned out that my mom had come back into the room and had been asovercome by the emotion of it all as me. I didn't know she was thereuntil I heard her sigh behind me. When I turned around I saw.
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