Your father and I will be behind you, no matter whathappens. I know it is hard, but I am going to ask you to keep trying toresist, for now. But, Jason, I don't want you to torment yourself. If youare really tearing your hair out, then do what you have to, I'm not goingto get mad at you." Thanks, Mom, that actually helps."Jason made it through about three days before he just couldn't take it anymore. Each morning he woke up, and getting a clean pair of underwear outof his drawer, he would see the panty and bra and it was driving him up thewall. Finally, on Saturday morning, he just could not take it any more.He put on his bathrobe and went out and found his mother was in the kitchenhaving her morning coffee. "Mom, I can't take this anymore! I have tried, but I can't go another daylike this." Ok, Jason." Ok?" Jason, I told you I would not be angry with you, and that I did not wantyou to torment yourself. You have done very well, and I appreciate theeffort that has gone into. Rescheduling was out of the question. Summer was the besttime for our events, and summer was all but over. Oh, we'd make dowithout Bartlesville, but it would be a long winter.There was another concern keeping me awake, though. I could still seethe train bearing down on us, its lights strobing into our crippled bus,its horn blaring a warning which could not be heeded. Since the death ofmy family, I had always thought I was ready to die. Oh, I had noillusions about meeting them in a non-existent heaven. I merely feltthere was nothing to live for.But when the train missed us, mingled with the disappointment I had feltat not having the misery of my life end, I had felt something akin torelief. My conscious mind told me there was nothing to live for, and Ihad abided by its dictates since the deaths of my wife and unborn child.But the relief had come from someplace deep within me - someplace wherea part of me wanted to live. Or at least someplace where a part of mewas afraid to die.I had.
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