The only rules are: safe sex only, no bathroom stuff, no pain. Everything else is OK.” “Wow,” I said. “Hot.” “ Very hot,” he said. “Why don’t I come by your room about 9 and get you?” “Ok,” I said. “Sounds like a plan.” Before I left he handed me a Viagra. “Take this about 8:30,” he said. “You’ll be glad you did.” Needless to say, the next day was a very long one. I had always tried to get something useful out of the convention sessions, but this time I found it hard to concentrate. I kept drifting off into thoughts of cum gushing from Ken’s big dick, and fantasies about what I might find that night. Once I spotted Ken in the hallway talking in low tones to a red-haired guy, and I found myself wondering whether he was one of the Bi Guys and what he looked like naked. I suddenly got hard, and I had to sit down for a second before it subsided enough for me to walk away without making a spectacle of myself. Five o’clock eventually came around, and with it the end of the. My lingerie went from pieces decorated in flowers and teddy bears to vinyl skirts and fishnets. I bought sex toys that mixed pain with pleasure. My willingness to violate myself overrode my desire to make God happy to the point that I was willing to put myself through the pain of autofellatio. I wanted to let religious life go. I thought I could just move on and accept myself the way I was. But I found quitting self-righteousness just as difficult as stopping my dirty daydreams. I would pleasure myself in the darkest ways I could imagine at night, and the next day lead my peers in worship of a God I no longer understood. Part of me wanted to be punished while the other wanted me to be righteous. Neither wanted to give up. I couldn’t just throw God away, I couldn’t just throw away the propaganda fed to me by my parents. I couldn’t throw that away any more than I could throw away my sexual desires. My religion was too ingrained. My sexuality was a part of who I was. I was being torn.
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