My heart was racing. My mind was flooded. I kept asking... Did I leave the door open a crack? Did he open it? Did he buy into my lie or did he think those were mine?All the worrying kind of ruined my whole evening I had planned. The constant fear that he might think these were mine, which they were made my stomach upset. This was my secret and if I did leave the door open a crack then I did it to myself. I wasn't careful. Even my newest purchase, a powder blue and white lace silk nightie didn't make my night any better. I opened it and took it to my bedroom, laying it on the bed. The rest of the night I spent on my couch, tears in my eyes and heartbreak in my mind. As the night wore on I realized that my sadness was not possibly having my secret discovered, although that was not ideal but that I might not have the privacy to do this. That I would be looking over my shoulder and wondering if anyone else knew that these pretty things were mine. Then the depression that I was not really. One of the achievement in my list was to have a diploma. That was not really a challenge though, it was just to finish enough routine, boring, established courses and exams. I even didn't need to think about to choose these courses. That kind of to-do-list might be still good and useful, but it was very naïve.There is always many things you love to do and then you try your best to do it in your life; unfortunately, most of these things were not in your to-do list. You follows your heart, your feelings. For example, your first kiss with your lover, first long kiss, first touch to your lover's body. I have something I love to do and have fulfilled it since I was a little k**: being naked. I wanted, I tried, and I love in sleeping naked, walking naked, cooking naked, eating naked, sexual inter-coursing naked, being photographed naked.It sounds too easy, but when you realize that being naked seems like a criminal even in private space and it is almost criminal in public when I was young,.
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