And we have found liberation in living honestly; should it matter then that our building members know us as ‘family friends’? If you met us, you would be able to tell that we are practical romantics—levelheaded and reckless in equal measure. A colleague had introduced us, in May 2015, during a coffee round. She didn’t look like a ‘lesbian’, if that’s even a thing, and if that’s what you’re wondering. It was an unlikely script. And it all started with, ‘I love your haircut’.Coco Chanel once stated, ‘A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life’. It’s true. I was announcing, without really announcing, ‘moving on’ with the ‘breakup cut’. The let’s-cut-it-all-off-haircut was a statement of personal empowerment, an adieu to an affecting three-year relationship with a Hungarian woman I had fallen madly in love with during my sabbatical in London. My first serious lesbian relationship. I was 35. Until then I wasn’t pretending to be ‘straight’...I was straight. I had instantly. Like the rain from the skies they fell over us, destroying with the walls the ground beneath us. Our bridge covered hundreds of miles in a brief, harrowing span of time but could collapse under a single wrong footstep. Every movement was a gamble and every raindrop a waterfall. We couldn’t live any other way. We were too passionate, too young, too naive, and too idealistic. We were two people who could feel no emotion that wasn’t at its most extreme. Today, I stand alone in the less-than-metaphysical world, awaiting you grimly on that hillside where we first discovered each other within each other. My innocence is in pieces, and so are you, I fear. Every heartbeat is as fast as a jackhammer with just as much force. I still feel the chills of your skin touching mine even though I don’t know where you are. I don’t know where you are, and it stabs my veins with guilt and anxiety. I wish you were here. How did we begin this fall, a fall that started so sweetly and ended so bitterly? I.
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