’ ‘Mark is a great choice. He can do the job and can get up to speed in short order. He’ll do a super job. Can I tell him everything?’ ‘Yes. We have cleared it with Hugh so you can, but let him know not to mention it. Not for another two weeks. The deal will be final then and we can make the announcement.’ He laughed before saying, ‘You can tell Paula of course since she’ll find out from Georgina anyway.’ We had a couple of drinks and Ryan told me that reservations for a flight out tonight were already made. It was just past 7:30 so I had about three hours to get home, get packed and to the airport for the flight. I decided to leave right away to give me time to tell Billy. I said my thanks and good byes and headed home. As I drove home, I thought about the changes that this would make in our lives. I knew that Billy would be happy. She hated Pittsburgh and wanted to move somewhere else with better weather and more of a social climate suited to her tastes. She was alright with her. Nothing new there. My work day was overloaded - like usual, I dropped my coffee and stained my shirt, ripped a stocking and the guy I've been trying to be semi-serious with is only interested in having a lay. Now, after being unable to decompress on my own, I'm sitting here on my couch with a bottle of Chardonnay and my largest - and favorite of late - wine glass while I try to write away my sorrows and frustrations. So, here goes: My life feels like a giant mess pile in a contractor trash bag that I keep dragging behind me with no hope for the heaviness of its stress to lighten. I haven't gotten over my last break up yet - sad, I know - and it's just making me feel like I'm the most worthless person on the planet. I keep playing through what I did or where I went wrong but I keep coming blank then swap into these horrible bouts of self-loathing for not doing better at whatever the fuck was wrong. I keep thinking of him too. What he might be doing right now and constantly.
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