Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt,. In fact, I almost was. But I came down wrong in practice before the trials, and sprained my right ankle pretty badly. The doctor gave me two choices: he could wrap me up and put me on painkillers and let me do the trials, and run the risk of fucking up the ankle for good. Or I could withdraw from the trials and just let it heal. I withdrew. I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice." Well, if you'd competed and fucked up the ankle, I'd have never seen what I saw today. You did good." And I hugged her. We watched Jeff and Sara do their thing, and it was obvious that they'd been doing this for years and knew what their partner was expecting. They didn't look like mother and son, but like lovers, and I wondered if Sara was getting that old itch again. Meanwhile, Jessie and Paul continued their conversation in private.Well, three hours later, we were home and the cranberry sauce was chilled and the turkey was cooked. We added some mashed potatoes with gravy, some broccoli, a salad,.
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