I slept on a pull-out couch in his one-bedroom, one-bath apartment.My second night there I heard him shout in the night. I rushed into his bedroom to see what was the matter. He was having a bad dream, thrashing around in his bed, agitated and sweating. I shook him awake, "Mike, please. Wake up. It's only a dream." The bedside light was on.His eyes snapped open and he looked confused. Then, recognizing me, he pulled me to him and sobbed on my breast. I sat down on the bed and cradled his head in my arms and on my lap. "It's the pain killers. And the chemo," he said. "I have terrible dreams. I'm afraid of the dark." He was still trying to catch his breath between sobs and his cheeks were streaked with tears. My soldier brother, always so sure of himself, was a big baby.Mike was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts which gapped open as he sobbed in my lap. I noticed that he had no pubic hair. I had always wondered whether cancer treatment caused you to lose your pubic hair. Now I knew.. ? The young girl directed her question toward Bridget. ?Aren’t you going to need a collar for him,? she was smiling and letting us know she knew exactly what these things were for. Bridge looked at her and smiled. ?No thanks,? she said, ?I want a collar that can be locked on, you don’t have any like that.? Both girls grinned. Bridget took my wallet from her pocket and laid one of my credit cards on the counter. The young, nice looking, cashier scanned the card and I was told to sign it. Finally we were out of there. I put the cage and other things in the back seat and we headed back to my house. I’d been fighting it all night but I just couldn’t hold back any longer. Maybe it was the humiliation in the store, maybe the memory of her knocking me down in my own home, or maybe the total frustration with the whole situation, what ever it was, I couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I started sobbing. I couldn’t help myself and, at the same time, hated myself for being so.
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