There would be a moment – we would finally share a moment. He would understand that I never wanted him. Never wanted his affection. His praise. His favour. I would have him kill me, rather than feel his eyes on me again. And as I squeeze the trigger, he would know the best part of his day was the worst part of my life. The part that gives me nightmares. And I would squeeze the trigger. Again and again and again until he’s just a steaming mass of gore on the scuzzy old hotel carpet. That’s for what you did to me. That’s for what you did to us. That’s for what you want to do. Eight months. It’s been eight months since I breathed free air. Eight months since I saw my best friend. Six months since I thought of stirring rebellion. Four months since I lost hope of escape. Now I fantasize about killing Michael. I kill him. The guards hear the shots. They bust in the door, and gun me down. I hit the floor, watch my life flow out in a thick red on the scuzzy hotel room carpet –. I walked back to my place savoring the recent experience. I tried to catch up on work but it was hard to concentrate and I smelled my fingers with the thought of bringing back the memoryI hoped to see her the next morning on the train but we didn’t meet, and Tuesday was the same. I hoped and expected to continue where we’d left off Sunday. I was looking forward to an afternoon delight at my flat in the next few days. Finally Wednesday came around and she sat next to me. She didn’t acknowledge our recent intimacy but she went on talking as before. I felt there was something she wanted to say. When my stop was approaching she looked up at me and said, “Andy, we have to talk, can you meet me at the coffee shop at five?” Whenever a woman says she needs to talk it usually something you don’t want to hear and I half expected her to tell me we couldn’t continue to see each other, she was seeing somebody else, it wasn’t right or something. We met at the coffee shop. Rachel sat down opposite.
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