He steps over to her staring into her eyes. Finally she breaks the stare and looks down at the floor. He lifts her chin in his hand, "no, look at me..." a soft smile from him, "you look wonderful" He traces his finger down her neck and then around one hard nipple. The silkiness of the blouse is torture and she moans. He smiles again but very firmly tells her to be quiet. "There will be plenty of time for that, for now you just concentrate on following my instructions. And don't fail me tonight, Lynn. You may not like the concequences." She shudders reactively but nods in silence, knowing that regardless, she would comply with anything.He brushes her hair from her eyes, a gentle gesture that's not lost on her. She knows that any move he makes is deliberate and thoughtful meant to cause some feeling within her. He can see by the look in her eyes that she's been anticipating this meeting for awhile."Have you been a good girl?" He stands directly in front of her and she's forced to look. The first time was indirectly through my mom, when I became Melly giving up my future, my life and my gender. The second, of course, was choosing the security of my life with him over the potential love of Mike. The third was keeping Patricia just at arms length so that I would never allow myself to get too close to assess if Patricia was what I needed in my life over Charles.Yet oddly, I could never commit all the way to him. I suspect I wanted to, why else was I subconsciously choosing to look more like my mother over the years? When I held up that Barbie doll to the surgeons years back and told them that is what I wanted to look like, did I not realize that how I viewed Melinda? But most of all, why was it I thought that pretending to be a woman and companion of this man, was any different than the pretending I was doing before? My whole life now, whether I wanted to believe it or not, was a role. Every single word I said, move I made, breath I took, was to hide the central fact.
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