Life continued until about 2010 when Irealised that I was again harbouring resentment and it was unfairlydirected towards my son, then 5 and my wife. I felt he prevented me frombeing the person I needed to be, but the reality was , and is that I was /am the only person who should bear that reality, that guilt.I attended through my work, a shrink of sorts under the guise of angermanagement - I am always unhappy and grumpy / unreasonable, and quicklyopened up to her (the psychiatrist) about being transgendered. Sheencouraged me to seek out support groups which I did, as well as openingup to my wife, who to her credit, did and has not disowned me!I attended the monthly support group for a while before circumstanceforced me to stop. ( I really regret not continuing with these groups - itwas ultimately the only support I had and I allowed my worries about how"normal people at work" would perceive me, to be enough of a deterrentthat I stopped attending.I continued to dress conservatively. When she finished dressing and came out to leave she was gorgeous as usual. Her hair, makeup, jewelry, and blouse said ‘beautiful’, but the undertone from the short skirt and the seriously hot heels she had picked to wear with it said ‘erotic’, if not something much baser than that. Even though she’s twice their age, the baby sitters always look at her with envy. They hope that one day they’ll look that good, and their husband looks at them with the hunger they see in my eyes when my wife comes out to play. The half hour drive to the restaurant was consumed with the usual banter parents have when they escape their children for a while – most of it mundane, but things that have to be conveyed or agreed upon. I had selected a restaurant further away than necessary to let her clear these thoughts out of her head. Like all women I’ve known, until she lets go of them she can’t fully relax and enjoy herself. Knowing her mood and mine, I even drove a little slower than usual to give her.
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