I had concluded that the only way I could be truly happy was to be alone and live to my own standards. But, surely, this was selfishness in the extreme; how could I not be happy except by helping my dependents? Yet in doing so I had made myself so unhappy, to an extent where I had seriously considered 'ending it all'. Who would I help then? I had to rationalize my feelings; my inner desires, to dress and enjoy my sexual self was infinitely strong. I knew that I could never dismiss them or sublime them with other activity; I had to accept these feeling for what they were. Any post-orgasmic self-disgust must be eliminated by understanding and absolutely accepting, that, like it or not, this is the way I am.Each night I would dress and make my attempts at make-up. I had looked at several web sites giving advice, and whilst I tried, carefully and slowly, I could never get the effect I wanted. I enjoyed the process but was always disappointed by the result. I needed help and I knew where. When she was finished, she ran her fingers over my eyebrows and said, “I would have removed these too, but the Queen is feeling merciful.”“I’m not,” the head prostitute said as she personally smeared some of the foul-smelling cream on my now bald head. She smiled cruely as she carefully smeared the cream through my eyebrows. My screaming voice returned as the cream ate into my scalp. After several minutes, she used a small wooden stick that was shaped like a razor to remove all the cream from my head. The stick also removed my eyebrows and any little hairs on my head which the razor had missed.“I would rather have you in my parlor,” a female voice said from behind me, “but this will have to do.”She then instructed me to stand still and began painting my lips and face with the paints which were normally worn by the village prostitutes. Once my face was dry, she started on my body with henna ink and a small brush. Soon the words which I had declared– traitor, treason, and slut– were.
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