" She slumped in her seat."I've had more than I should and I still can't do it." She frowned. "Iwant to go up there, Elles, I want to dance! I want to be like her, soso badly! But then I just keep thinking... maybe this is just anotherstupid decision I'm going to regret. Maybe I need to get my mind out ofthe gutter and just be a normal person for once in my goddamn life."She looked up at Ellen."You... you've always been there for me Elles. Even when I do stupidthings. Especially when I do stupid things. Even when I hurt you.You're there for me afterwards... and you make me think that, sure,maybe I shouldn't be doing these things, but that i'm not some kind offreak or monster for wanting them. You make me feel like its okay forme to be me..." she sniffled, "but... but that just makes it so that Idon't want to disappoint you. So sometimes I see something I want and Ican't help myself and I'm embarrassed because whatever kind of fuck-upI am... well, I just don't want you to ever think. I usually went to bed early because I had to be up at 5:30am. About a week or so into the stay one night, after the lights were out, the air conditioner clicked off and I could hear the sound of buzzing coming through the wall. I thought to myself no way was this woman using a vibrator! I could not believe it so I put my ear to the wall and I could hear the buzzing distinctly. I listened and listened, eventually the tone changed to different tones and different frequencies. After a while I hear some very muffled and quiet grunting as she was having her orgasm then all was quiet. I slipped down into the covers and went to sleep almost laughing to myself at what had happened. Not because I thought it was funny I was just shocked she was doing that. I was 34 years old at the time and had no idea women that age masturbated. So Sunday rolled around and I decided to go check out her vibrator while she was away at church. Beside the bed was a small bathroom style garbage can with a towel in.
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