At least I can now help you find your real self.”I hugged my Mum. “Don’t beat yourself up. Even a week ago I didn’t recognize my female instincts. Let's explore them together as mother and daughter and see where it takes us." We walked home hand in hand, something I'd never done as a boy. The first steps in the bond between my Mom and me.That evening Mandy phoned. “Beth and I will collect you for school tomorrow morning.”“Thank you very much.”Next morning, Mum and I met Beth and Mandy at the gate. Mum kissed each of us on the cheek. “I’m glad that my girl has such good friends. Have a nice day.”“I’m pleased that you came today. I didn’t really want to go on my own.”“You and your Mum have done a great job. No-one would imagine that you aren’t a girl.”We headed off to school and entered by the girl’s gate. There was no fuss. We greeted a few girls in the cloakroom, hung our coats and went into class. I sat with Beth and Mandy and got down to work, very mindful of keeping my knees. “There is no coming back for me, Matt.”“Oh god, what are you saying?” I wailed. “That we won’t ever be together again? Or worse?”“I’m not saying that. We can be together again, someday. Nothing is impossible...”“But how can you say that? You just said you’re not coming back! You don’t even know how long it’ll take to do whatever you’re trying to do. I won’t be able talk to you, for what, months? More? What if at the end of this, you don’t—”I couldn’t say it though.Heather caressed my face so gently. “Because it’s up to you. It’ll depend on you: if you want to be with me.”Up to me ... How is it up to me... ?How! You’re the one who’s deciding this!I have no choice!My mind screeched at me as I felt the dizziness return. I stood up, struggling for air. I wanted to scream, as the uncertainty of everything I thought I knew pressed in from all sides. The foundations of my own life were shaking now. At any moment, life could change, so unexpectedly, impossibly, irrationally... Heather is.
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