But whenshe got me into her things, it felt terrible, as if I were doingsomething that was, at some very deep level, *wrong.* I was bitterlydisappointed; I had expected to enjoy it; I had wanted to enjoy it;and I couldn't. So that one try was our last.I never forgot that experience. I still had fantasies about wearingsoft, lovely dresses and skirts. A couple of times after that failedexperiment, when Joan was out, I tried again on my own, each timehoping that this time I would like it as much as I had expected to.I never did: there was nothing but that same wrong feeling. So Ifinally gave up and didn't come back to the idea until after I metSheila.I had another, darker fantasy, however, which I kept to myself. Thisone was about meeting a *man* who would dress me up and use me as hisgirl. I masturbated to that fantasy sometimes. I had never had sexwith a guy and had never wanted to, in the ordinary way; but somehowthe thought of dressing up like a girl and being treated like. I want him out of here and it better happen soon, before I get mad enough to start in on him again." I slammed the phone down.Ten minutes later Rena, Bing and George arrived. Bob was laying on the floor groaning and wasn't coming around at all. He was hurting. I don't know how much damage I had done to him, but my store was a wreck. Liz and I were cleaning up and taking out the broken chairs and one of the smashed tables. I never looked at Bing or George as they carried Bob out between them. Rena came to me and apologized. "I'm sorry, Dirk. It just never seems to end does it? Send me the bill and I'll find the money somewhere." She hurried out.That night, Liz learned fully of my past. I had never explained about the rape of Mary. Also how my friend Max had come to me and led me to believe that Mary was a total victim when I had first named her as slut. Then later I realized I had been manipulated by him, and the child she was carrying actually belonged to him. That was when I.
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