I was away for two weeks and it was hell. I missed him every moment of those two weeks. I phoned him far more often than I should, but I just could not help myself. I even contemplated arranging for him to fly out, but even with the liberal management of the ad agency that would be pushing a little far. I knew that I was in danger of making a fool of myself, if I wasn’t already, but Peter did not seem to mind and certainly did not object. As well as phone calls, we started emailing. They went deeper, became more intimate and I suppose, not to put too fine a point on it, dirty. They also became more frank and open. We started expressing our feelings until the day before I was due to return a phrase in a mail from him made me feel as if my heart would explode. ‘Please do not be mad at me Mands and I will understand if you think I am being stupid, but I think I am falling in love with you. Also forgive me for not telling you this face to face, but I simply am not brave enough. I will. The Army floats on a sea of paperwork, even if it is a classified sea. There must have been after action reports, JAG inquiries and investigations, documentation ordering us to do what we were doing. Only some of this seemed to be leaked. The only way to fight this was for me to do a full disclosure and technically violate my security oath. I found this mildly distasteful, but only mildly. Somebody else had really blown the doors open on this, so my keeping silent was useless now.Anybody else keeping silent was also going to be useless. I still had contacts at the Pentagon from when I had been on the Armed Services Committee and Veterans Affairs Committee. What I needed now was names of people who could testify to what had happened. It had been nineteen years. By now most would have left the military, even the lifers, with twenty-plus years in. A few might still be in. Simply because of time, some would have died, and some would have moved and been lost track of. Still, the odds were.
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