I just hope you can forgive me and you don’t tell your dad.”“Mom, I wanted this too. I wanted it for a really long time. I promise I will never tell dad that this happened.”“I didn’t realize that you felt this way about me too”, she responded. There was a long pause after this. She seemed to be contemplating my words very deeply. “We can never do this again. It’s unhealthy and it will only escalate until we can’t control it anymore.”I thought about what she said and it made sense. If she were to let this continue, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. Eventually we would be full on fucking each other. The possibilities leading from there were endless. We could get caught and that would destroy our family. My stepmom could end up pregnant with my child! The worst of these possibilities was that she and I might damage our relationship beyond repair.Despite all these reasons, I knew I wanted to keep going. I had never experienced anything quite as intense as that massage. I knew I would. Sure, there were many men my age around, in college and out of it, but I never seemed to find a good match. Not that I was looking to marry again -- far from it -- but I couldn’t seem to find even one guy worth dating for more than a few weeks. The truth is, I didn’t seem to click with anyone sexually.Here again I blame my ex-husband. He had his faults, God knows, but he had been great in bed -- a considerate and thoughtful lover -- and I was surprised to find out later how rare that actually is. Once I went to college, most of the men I slept with were in a big hurry, more interested in getting off themselves than in taking care of me in a way I thought I deserved -- that any person deserves. So beyond a few ‘relationships’ that lasted a few weeks or a couple of months at most, my first three years of college had been unsatisfying, sex-wise. Hence my “cynical” attitude.So here I am, a “rising senior” at 25, spending yet another summer at my parents’ place.Don’t get me wrong. I love.
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