" Good. Now, when I count to three you'll wake up all refreshed. One... Two... Three!" I feel so good today, Carl. I must have slept like a baby last night." You were already sleeping when I got back from Jessie's last night, so I let you sleep and didn't disturb you." Thank you, Carl. That was nice of you. I've been unusually tired the last week or so. I guess I have a hard time sleeping when you're not here. Sure was nice to have you in bed with me again last night." I like it when we sleep together, but I do wish you'd let me do something..." Stop it right there, mister." Her tone of voice was something he'd come to recognize when the subject of sex came up."You know that isn't going to happen. I love you dearly, Carl, but I will not do something that is against the way I feel. Why do you think we don't have any children, Carl? I don't like sex! I don't want sex! I will not even discuss sex! I thought I'd made myself quite clear on that subject, yet you keep on insisting on. Even my own capacity for self-pity made me sick with revulsion. Even my grief was disgusting. In such a state I became obsessed with this submissive idea. Stirred together in a seething mass with my heartbreak and the insanity of the Voudun mythology I was reading, the idea began to loom over me like some tidal wave of fate. Suddenly my salvation seemed to lead through the road of submission and it seemed to me that maybe what I’d wanted from Lexi was not her obedience to me, but her own engulfing presence, soaking me up, holding me inside herself. How else could I explain how low I’d sunk? What was I doing if not waiting for some mistress to come along and take hold of me? I discussed it with April. She was angel enough to listen to me discuss my own hurt. I wasn’t April’s first D/s partner. She’d had a virtual master online, a much older man she called Master K, and she’d done such things with him as were possible on computer. He’d been a switch—dom most of the time but he taught.
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