First effort? Shit! That could only mean it needs a second effort. “Now please don’t consider criticism to be negative when it is intended to help you make this better. I’m not going to use words like ‘I like it’ or ‘I don’t like it’. That’s irrelevant to our discussion. My personal tastes are not at issue. I’ll try to keep this as objective as I can within the realm of language and literature. Good enough?”“Yes, ma’am,” I said. I was already a bit dejected. I’d put my heart into this story. Toughen up, old man.“Okay. Let’s start with the story arc. I think you could begin with something more dramatic that draws the reader into the story more rapidly. It’s the third page before we have a clue that they are boarding a spaceship. Lead with it. Even a simple a sentence of thought from the main character that said, ‘I took one last look at the earth before I boarded for my journey to the stars.’ Something that immediately sets the scene. Then you can deal with the weight of his baggage,. Mel’s got beautiful hair. Naturally blonde from her Nordic ancestry, medium length so it can flow around her head like a halo, or be neatly put up. Soft. Ticklish, but who cares when the rest of her is so close the hair is touching you. She’s so tall that I had to reach up and stand on tippy-toes a little to do the top, but it was worth it. It’s more than mere intimacy; with her eyes tight shut against the suds, she was trusting me. Me, I was luxuriating in running my fingers through her tresses, gently massaging her scalp to make her feel good.I let her operate the dryer for herself, but again I asked to brush it for her. I used to brush Katelyn’s mane sometimes back home; it was relaxing for both of us, a chance for us siblings to connect again. I know how to do it gently, to hold the root end with the other hand so I don’t pull too hard, getting any tangles out and giving the hair the sheen that only brushing provides. Mel was purring by the time I was satisfied; cats and dogs.
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