So now I’m back living through an uncertain, dark future again.”Col leaned across and took my hands. “Oh, Willi. But you managed last time, you can do it again.” She stopped and took a sharp breath in realisation. “Was that ... did that ... you said before that there were ... other times. Was this darkness part of that?”I looked past her over her shoulder, tasting my memories of that time. The constant threat of nuclear annihilation was part of the rotten, acrid flavour of my teens and early twenties – but only as a grimy, roiling background for the canvas on which the rest of my life was chaotically splashed.“It didn’t help, but it was so omnipresent that it became part of the background. And then I moved to Australia, the other side of the world where the threat was very distant.”Col looked at me, her voice soft. “Can you tell me why you ... tried again?”My breathing sped up as I looked into my past which was again my future. “I never really fitted in anywhere. I knew I couldn’t be. So it was quite lonely at home withonly the housekeeper for company.I asked Dad about what had happened and whether Mum would ever be comingback. He did not know.In my final term I received a letter. It said:"My darling boy,I understand you are in your final term at school and I just thought Iwould drop you a note to say how much I love you and how I have missedhaving you around. I will have a friend bring you to me at the end ofterm.Your loving Mum,Ayesha"At first I thought it was a joke but then I thought, no, this was Mum'shandwriting and the envelope I had opened was definitely addressed tome. So why on earth was Mum calling herself Ayesha? She was calledAlison.So I was excited at the end of term when a chauffeur turned up at theschool in a Bentley to take me home to Mum. I was surprised, however,on getting to Mum's house to find that Mum was wearing a something thatI thought was called a hijab but which is in fact called a chador andwhich covered all of her body except.
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