What still doesn't work is me being alone with any man. Mom was thoughtful enough to get a female cabbie to drive me home, but that is something I need to work on.This especially if I ever want to see you again. I don't know how you feel about me now after two months. I am almost hoping that you have moved on. It would spare me some difficult decisions ahead, but I also fear this possibility. I am at once terrified of being with you and of losing you. Crazy? I already stated that I'm a loon, right?I am also afraid that by allowing you near me, I will set you up for more hurt in the future. I don't want to hurt you! Mom keeps telling me that I'll hurt you the most by not allowing you near me. I want to believe that, but then the memories come back, and I cannot see myself as ever being able to be what you expect of a girlfriend.The therapist also showed me the brilliant pieces of investigative journalism in the Rumor Mill. They really did a number on me with that photograph. I hear. "Four years with that asshole." If he was that bad, why didn't you move out?" Paul looked confused.I laughed and Dave had to chuckle. "College chicks dig a good sob story." I said. "Dave had a brilliant line. 'I'm afraid to go back to my dorm. My roommate harasses me all the time. I don't feel safe there. Can I stay with you?' The number of women who fell for that!" I snickered. "Of course, it worked better when I came over and rubbed his ass in public." And you talk about me!" Yann exclaimed."Oh he was smooth back in the day." Dave grinned. "I'd be feeling out a girl and he'd come over and rub my chest or something else perverted and ask if I was going back to the dorm soon. And I'd say something like, don't touch me you sick fag, and he'd laugh and walk off. Then I'd look away from the girl and after the second or third time she'd ask what was wrong, I'd confess that the 'fag' thing was bravado and that really I was terrified of the scary black man who wanted to rape me. An hour.
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