The voice in your head has been there for as long as you can remember. It's a quiet voice, an unassuming voice. It doesn't tell you to kill, it doesn't tell you that you were born in the wrong body, it doesn't push you to greatness. It always repeats the exact same thing whenever it speaks to you."You could do so much better."It doesn't affect you, at least you don't think it does. It's just a normal intrusive thought, that's what everybody says. You believe them. You tone the voice out, in your darkest moments you lump it in as just another negative thought. Just another sign of depression. But it doesn't just speak in your low moments, it's always there in your highest points. When you graduate, when you're promoted, when you feel love for your partner."You could do so much better."It affects you, you know for a fact it does. Your relationships fail, you can't hold onto your jobs, your pursuits result in nothing. You believe it, it bothers you. You know it's correct but in a way. You have a real nice day, now." I wondered if he sensed the down-home Okie-ness of Ellen's comment.And that was it. I looked at Ellen and Willa, shrugged and said, "I think I'll have a drink now."The three of us had dinner together. We agreed that it probably went about as well as we could have hoped. At the very least, the idea was out there and being considered. Whether it came to fruition in any way, shape or form remained to be seen.Willa said she could probably keep mental tabs on Freiburg's moves and to whom he spoke about our proposal. By that, she meant she could pop in and out of his mind to try to pick up enough info to guess which way the wind was blowing. She promised to connect with me the moment she had anything promising.Before we parted, I asked her to poke around and try to locate anybody in the CIA offices who might be worth probing. She said she'd do her best.January 25, 2015:After a brisk run in the park, I took a shower and flopped into my recliner to wade.
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