The talking, the finding out about each other, the fumbling in the car afterwards, the leaving each other intact to drive each other home, on our own, in separate cars. At forty-five years of age, I thought those days were long gone. Whatever happened to, ‘let’s go back to my place and fuck – shall we?’Kate and I behaved like this for far too long. But I was smitten with her and I wanted her. I was prepared to put up with all her foibles. The more we explored each other in the pub car parks, the more I began to think that it was the risk of being caught that was turning her on and not the fondling. I began to think that she was getting a sexual rush from the whole scenario; as if she was wishing someone would come out of the pub and catch us. On one occasion they did, it was giggles all around the car; complete with pulling her jumper down and glancing behind until the person had left in their own car. I didn’t understand Kate at all. I have to admit it. In other relationships, I. But sometimes, we need to push ourselves, even if we wigwag up the sidewalk, frustratingly so perhaps, against the wind, against the cold, against the anger and frustration for what life has given us to try and overcome. To be honest, I don’t know how I will face my own days ahead. I don’t know if I will have that kind of determination to persevere, to keep going and not give up. I admit I admired his determination, even though I felt sorry for him. But did he want that? I think not. I don’t think he was there traveling along just so people would see, wonder, and feel sorry for him even if they did, even as I did. I’m not sure I’d have gone back for my hat. I’m not sure I will when the day comes for me that I lose that comfort or my security, or even my desire for life. I wonder, will I step back and try again? Will I accept that not everything in life that we dream of or desire is possible. Maybe I won’t care by then, I honestly don’t know. I’ll certainly find out at some point, as.
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